Hedgehogs Running Amok

I love the original song, but I laughed at this one and the production values are hilarious.

Posted by Rick at 08:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I truly hate social situations. People always ask me questions that I feel that I have to answer truthfully. I don’t lie well so it is hard to lie to people who ask me what they think of their new homes, partners or children. Especially the children.

I was visiting a pregnant friend today who had that new 3D ultra-sound done. She asked me what I thought of her new baby boy. I looked at the picture and stated clearly the child was not hers. She asked me why I said that. I said because it looks like something Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would produce. She was pleased.

This was where I stopped because I do believe that there is such a thing as too much honesty. If I had continued I would have said, It looks like something Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie produced in the toilet and then the family dog came along and ate it and deficated it out and then aliens came along and kidnapped the poop and sculpted it into their own image and animated and set it down in a church before the crucifix and because it was so ugly that Jesus came to life and puked on it and placed it in her womb.

But I was being nice.

Posted by Rick at 06:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Private to Laura, You have got to be fucking kidding me. I have to do it all over again? Come on! You have to know it isn't going to happen this month.

To everyone else. I survived. And pretty much unscathed. I have cotton mouth and an upset stomach, but hardly a headache, so I think I have fared well in this experiment in webtainment.  But to be truthful, the thought of food sickens me to the very heart of my being, so…

So to give you the run down on what really happened.

I was a little drunker than I thought when I wrote the first paragraph. I was totally fucked up when I wrote the second blog entry. And by the time the third one came around, JP was here and, well, let’s just say, I was no longer interested in blogging.

Some points of interest,

• I did have dinner ready. Apparently when drunk I forget stuff or just lie about it. Not sure which
• I couldn’t figure out why there were grapes and Danish all over my kitchen until I read the blog. So apparently I am a messy forgetful drunk.
• I am a whiny bitch drunk
• I use “OH” a lot when drunk.
• I ramble when drunk
• I don’t remember much after the second blog post… Except I do remember going on RuPaul’s site. Probably more Drag Queen or Drag Hag hate mail for me. They are worse than the fucking G0YS. I am still on the G0Ys shit list and that was two years ago… I am hoping Drag Queens and their handlers have shorter memories. I also remember falling twice.
• Apparently, Duane is a very difficult name to type while drunk.
• Logic is a secondary consideration when intoxicated.
• If what they say is true about alcohol and telling the truth, I really do love my Twin.

JP seems mad at me this morning, I hate to ask what he is mad about, so I won’t ask. We will have our own little DADT policy about last night. I remember going off on him as I was falling asleep. I remember feeling all pious and justified so it can’t be good. Whatever it was, he won’t let me touch him. LOL!

The moral of the story. Don't drink and type. Judgment is impaired when drinking.

Posted by Rick at 10:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Update Time!

The drink was way too sweet even after the tequila waqs added, so I had to add some tea to it and some more Tequila. I have no idea how much alcohol is in the drink now. I am beginning to think that this litte experiment that my twin talked me in to should really have some adult supervision.

I am light headed and a little flushed, but I don't know that there are any real disasterous effects of the booze yet. I know I am not loose enough to do what the guy in the picture is doing. By the way my twin. god love her, talked me into this shit. LOL. I have tokeep myself from wanting to back up and correct all the freeking mistakes. This is so going to be fun when JP gets home. He is so gonna be my bitch tonight.

He is in a piss poor mood already, so fuck him. Figurtively and literally. I am so freaking tired of bitchy people. Why does it have to be me that is the nice guy, the guy that puts things back together. You know. I try to help people and they are all I don't want to do what you say so I will do what I want and then expecct me to help them clean up their damn messes.

OH! I am watching the Spiderwick Chronicles. I don't know if it is a good movie or not, but hey, I am enjoying it. My stomach is telling me that I really really really should have eaten something today. But I was too busy. Oh shit, before i started this I forgot to fix JP's dinner. Well fuck him, let him fix his own dinner, he isn't handicapped. Shit, he's my bitch tonight.

Oh. I went to costco to buy my alcohol, i keep wanting to write booze because it is easier to spell than alcohol, but booze keeps coming out to booxe so let's stick to alcohol. Is that the wya you spell it?

I think i am going to go get a danish because hey it is morning and I can eat danish in the morning. I can't even tell you the last time I ate. Fuck, what time is it anyway. BRB. Okay, i got to the freaking danish box i picked up at costco. Did I tell you I wwent to costco? I think I did. And anyway there are like 30 different varieties and I couldnt' figure out which one I wanted so I got grapes instead. Grapes wine alcohol. It all comes together. And they are sour so it goes wtih the tequila.

What was I talking about? And at this point does it really matter at all. I figure it is me, duwant fuck I mean duean, dammit! DUHVQ! (close fucking enough, he knows who he is) farmy and me reading this blog so ... seriously, i forgot the point. Oh and Laura, I forgot Laura. I love laura, she so makes me laugh. I would marry her if I could be assured that she would leave my toys alone. Hey i typed all that with out a single mistake. GO ME! Time for a drink! To celebrate!

So I can't remember my point but here is where I am at now. Love me or leave me. or something like that. Fucking Tequila. I am going to be so fucked up tomorrow.

Posted by Rick at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

My day was going pretty good. I got something accomplished, visited my friends and then got yelled at which pissed me off royally.

That was when I decided that I was going to get royally fucked up and blog tonight. So for the record, I have had two shots of tequila. I also have a melted 32 oz Melon Berry Slush from QuikTrip (Blantant Plug for which I expect to be handsomely rewarded) with approximately 5 shots of tequila.

Also I have not had anything to eat for 28 hours. So this should be good.

I am already feeling the effects of the tequila. I keep having to backspace. Not a good sign.

The rules are that this blog is raw. No spell check, not grammar check, straight from my hands to your eyes.

Let's see what happens.

Posted by Rick at 10:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Okay let me get this out of the way. Laura you are the BEST! You are the epitome of blogdom. All should bow down before your greatness. You rule, I drool. I was beaten by a girl. Did I miss anything? Oh, yeah! Your $10,000 dollar prize will be in the same box as the birthday gift that is sitting on my dresser. In other words, come get it, unless you want to wait.

The picture above is the sun as seen from my front yard through the smoke of the Ethan fire. Yeah, it is that close. I was driving home talking to my twin when about a mile from my house it began to snow. Then I realized that it was unlikely to snow at 105 degrees Fahrenheit. It was ash from the fire. Freaky. The fire fighters are getting it under control, but it is going to take some time. It is now 2200 acres and growing.

When I arrived at my house, I looked up, ran into the house to get the camera and ran out and caught this sight on disk. Cool, huh?

So back to my gloating twin who likes J’s more than L’s when she is exercising, I started to tell her a story, but then thought better of it. I like telling stories, the problem is that once it gets out, I don’t have any ambition to write it. So I stopped myself, and told her she would have to read it here.

I usually don’t sport facial hair. Though I love men with facial hair, I don’t grow it myself, because… well to be honest, I think it makes me look evil. This will come in handy when I want to take over the world, but right now, where I am in my master plan, I need to look trustworthy and honest. The thing is that I don’t shave on the weekends. And for me the weekend was longer than most so by Monday, I had a nice facial growth.

There is another reason that I don’t grow facial hair. Someone I know can shave in the morning and have a full beard by nightfall. Like some freaky werewolf on hormones, JP is one hairy bastard. And he continually makes fun of my facial hair or lack thereof. So when I woke Monday morning, JP was ragging on my about shaving. To be a little different, I shaved everything but my upper lip and my chin. When I showed it to him, he was very complimentary and dragged me off into the woods. He asked me to keep it for a while. So I told him he could have it until I return from vacation August 12^th.

Fast forward through the good bits and what it got me, to today when I returned to work. I could not believe the response to it. Women all over the office were coming up to me telling me how good it looked. It was like a revolving door. My ego would have been stroked if I were straight, but it was just annoying. I felt like I was on display. Okay, truly my ego was a little stroked, but truthfully, it isn’t even grown out yet. It looks like I have just hit puberty. Sadly, it will probably stay that way, but at least I can say I tried.

And there is one other thing. I can’t stop touching my goatee. It is strange, because I am used to touching JP’s and living vicariously through him, but now I have my own. What do I need him for?

Oh… Yeah… There is that.

Posted by Rick at 07:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I admit defeat.

Yes. I missed a day.

I was uploading pictures to Flickr and it was taking longer than it should have and I walked away to do something else and forgot all about posting and blogging and went to bed. How freaking stupid is that?

A storm moved through last night. It was a small storm but it started a fire in the desert about 5 miles from my house. The picture above is the sky from outside my front door. Scary… The heavy rains are not due till Saturday, so hopefully this fire will be out before then.

I was home with a stomach ailment that kept me from walking or sitting for much of the day. Who am I kidding, I had horrible cramps until about 8 pm and then started doing stuff. Probably the “mild” chicken wings from Cardo’s that caused me to belch fire.

If you are wondering about the drunk post, I had to postpone it because JP’s parents upon finding out that we were staying an extra day decided to stay too. They changed their entire plans for us. Wasn’t that sweet?

So yeah, I fully expect to be called a loser, but I have my excuse already. “I had the runs” will gross her out enough. Yeah…

Posted by Rick at 02:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Woo! I made it back in one piece…

I went with JP to his cabin to help his parents remodel the place. We are painting now, but they are doing all kinds of upgrades for him, which is cool. We arrived Saturday afternoon. My twin asked me to take pictures along the way which I did, and will post to Flickr when I get a chance, but right now I am tired.

I love the new look of the place. Laura did a fantastic job of redoing the whole page. It looks excellent. And extra props to her for posting the blog while I was gone! Great Job!

JP got pissed at me for taking pictures early on, until I told him it was for Laura and then he said it was okay. So I took pictures along the way out the window of the truck because god forbid we stop and take pictures. The picture above is from a titty bar in Star Valley Arizona. I so want to go in to see what the girls look like in a place that advertises with a bull on top of the sign.

When we arrived JP’s parents had been there a week. If you want to know what JP’s parents are like, think Ward and June Cleaver in their 70’s and you will get the idea. Marie was nice enough to point out the fact that Rick would not be cooking or cleaning the entire weekend because it was his time off. The subtext of this is that she has OCD and no matter how clean I get her dishes they will never be clean enough. Ward, I mean, Ben sits there quietly calling his wife dear, honey, baby. It is so cute! But he does say some off the wall things. As a retired teacher he has plenty of stories about the kids he teached, but the great thing about him is that… well, for example we were sitting there and he farted and looked at me and said “Gotta call the exterminator, those damn barking spiders are back”. Cracks me up.

The next day we were to paint the porch. The porch extends around half the cabin and they had only bought 2 gallons of paint. So we sent Marie into town to get three more gallons and while she was gone we took our time learning how to run the paint sprayer. I was so glad we did. If we hadn’t used the sprayer we would still be there rolling and brushing that porch. Marie came back and we finished it off. So our 4 day assignment was complete. What next? I thought wow! Two more days to sit back and relax. Nope, there was a hundred other smaller things that we had to do. We did them all yesterday and then took a  hike down to the new bridge. Then JP had the bright idea to take me on a trip over half the mountain and back down again. I fell like 4 times and he just kept saying “Come on”!

We arrived at a very secluded spot and we rested. We had a very nice talk. We talked about Laura, Duhv and Sal and I was very surprised that he had very nice things to say about them, especially my twin. I was dumbstruck that he was so understanding.

So we hiked back and I had to take a shower because I was muddy and sweaty and Marie was making dinner. Can’t come to dinner dirty at Marie’s table.

We stayed up all night playing Uno and I won!

The next morning, I couldn’t wait to get back home to check out my page, and JP obliged. We made the hour and half trip back in an hour. And so that is what I have done all day, reading email and responding to text messages and sleeping. So thanks again to Laura for keeping the streak going! Only a few more days to go!

Posted by Rick at 10:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I am at the cabin, and tonight will be the night I will write the "Drunk Blog". I will write a line of a blog, then have a drink. My twin will give me a subject to write about and I will write about it as I get drunk. When I get back I will copy and paste it without editing. I wonder if we will be able to tell the difference between the Drunk Blog and the Sober ones.

Jami's parents are here with us so there isn't a lot of hanky panky going on, because he has something against having sex when his parents are around, though mine can be banging on the door and he won't stop. The contradictions in my life.

I am still working on my mega blog but it just isn't going anywhere. I will be back tomorrow so I will see where I can take it from there.

Have fun and thanks to Laura for posting these for me.

You gotta love her.

Posted by Laura at 02:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

(This is Laura posting for Rick- well actually cutting and pasting entries he emailed - because he's off having a gay ole time. I get to add photos on my own *laughs manically*)

Today is my friend's birthday. He is 22 years old today… still a young pup. But he is an incredibly smart and talented guy.

One time when we worked in the same building but in different areas, I had to call him for something. When he answered the phone, I asked him "How are you doing?". "Fine", he replies. "What are you wearing", I ask. "Excuse me sir", he replies, "But these calls are recorded for quality assurance, what can I do for you?:

Leave it to Sal to squash my fun time.

Happy Birthday Sal, may you have many many more and live to torment Twinks in  your old age.

Posted by Laura at 02:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

 Update:

This counts as a Friday post because of circumstances out of my control and the control of my twin, MoveableType was down yesterday. As you can plainly see it is back up today.

The post below was written tongue in cheek based on the facts (lies that I made up) at the time. Please view them in that context.

Enjoy

It has been one of those days.

I spent my morning finding these great videos to share with you; it was torturous. It was hours upon hours of searching YouTube looking for just the right video for my friends and readers. Actually it was like 5 minutes, but it sounds better if you think I had to work hard for them. Soon after, I went to work. Since I need to be late to burn time, I took the long way making stops along the way. This is where it started to fall apart.

I ARRIVED EARLIER THAN MY NORMAL TIME! By 30 minutes! I took the long way. Stopped at two stores and the post office and I still made it in before I was supposed to. Oh, well. I got started on my work. I prepared for my meeting and I was hitting on all cylinders. I was rolling right along, when suddenly my phone shows I have two new comments on my blog. I read them. Seems that some jealous, envious, crazy, perturbed person was ranting about how I had cheated by posting videos and not content. Seems that she didn’t realize that there were still many hours in the day for me to post. But no, she wasn’t happy and threatened to do the same. I seem to remember that we were allowed two days of fluff and I have only used one. But I wasn’t going to let it bother me. I had a meeting to run!

I run to my meeting, because I was going to be late, and I got to the room and there was one person there, I sat down and made the comment that I am glad that I wasn’t the only one that was late. She pointed out that it was still 15 minutes before the meeting started. WTF! What is going on with my sense of time. I am usually pretty good about this, but I seem to be running early today.

So I waited and chatted. As the participants slowly arrived, I was busy passing out the material and I checked the time, we were 10 minutes behind. How did that happen? And then we were still missing half the participants. So I checked and it turned out that they had either called in sick or had approved leave.

DAMMIT! They had to be there or I couldn’t hold the meeting. So I rescheduled the meeting for next week and went out into the field to have fun and get paid for it. Remember, my idea of fun is different than yours. I was reviewing the work of others. One of my favorite things to do.

But my day was supposed to be cut short because I had worked over earlier in the week, but I got involved in a conversation, so I didn’t get out of work until 4 and as soon as I was walking out of the office, there was my twin calling. Hmmm, probably to yell at me for cheating again. But it wasn’t. It seems that the videos I wanted to share with you caused the blogs to shut down. Supposedly to fix this my entry for today had to be deleted. Yep. I believe that. It sort of helps that she knows the Tech Support for this site personally. I know that J is a man of integrity, but you know free blowjobs can be a powerful reason to delete someone’s blog entry. (Just kidding  J. Thank you for fixing the site. Sorry)

I get home and … well remember when I was having trouble with my computer and keyboard a few days ago… well… I wasn’t as nice to my keyboard and mouse as I should have been and they may have been pounded on, once or twice, so they were not working at maximum efficiency. And they decided that today was the day the mouse would lose one of it’s buttons and the letters J, K and M on the keyboard decided that they would not work. And if I want to write about Hugh Jackman those keys will come in handy.

I ran to Staples to get a new keyboard. Why does Staples close at 7 pm? It seems to be a strange time, but it does. I got there just a few minutes before. And this incredible hunk of a man was just closing the door, I asked him if I could please just get a keyboard and get out, and he said SURE! Oh you should have seen this guy. He is a perfect match for Mario Lopez only not as gay. Why the hell is this guy running a Staples in South Phoenix? He walked in front of me and I got to look at his gorgeous bubble butt.  Yummy. I am going to have to go back and spend more time there. I am going to go in and buy 1 pen at a time just to make him wait on me.

I came home and plugged the thing in and I lost the network connection? How did that happen? So I called my ISP and got a woman with a very thick accent. 2 hours later she was about to give up when I did something she kept telling me I couldn’t do and it worked. So I got back online. WooHoo!

So here I am, trying my best to beat the deadline, so I can pay my twin back for calling me a bitch. Why does that seem to be my name lately…

Until tomorrow...

Posted by Rick at 09:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Posted by Rick at 04:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Have you ever been enjoying yourself with your partner when for one reason or another you reach culmination way before you really should? Yeah, me neither. But this brings me to a subject that has been bothering me. I can think all day about a story to blog, but if I tell it to someone, I can't blog it. I lose interest. It is like the literary equivalent to "I got mine, so let me roll over and go to sleep"

I had this whole idea of talking about how I was in my buddy's office talking to JP on the phone when JP started saying something about me being his Bitch and I reminded him of the night before when he was the bitch, and turned around to find my buddy standing there listening to me talk about old people sex.

But since I talked to my twin on the way home I don't want to write about it. I guess it is a case of premature e-communication.

(Yeah, it is payback for not laughing at my six-pack joke)

Posted by Rick at 09:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

For those of you that don't know this site is hosted by my twin, who for today will be known as Bloody Mary. She is tired of the way that it looks so she is going to do some tweaking and beautification of the site.

As a part of the process she is asking for my input so we are talking back and forth. One of these phone calls took place yesterday after I got off work and since I don't leave until all my staff leave, I was a little concerned when my call waiting told me that I had a call from a worker after hours. In my concerned state, I ignored the call and kept talking. But when she called back the third time, I thought I really should answer.

She was still at work, and she was having trouble with her computer. It seems that she kept getting a window that would pop up telling her that she had a problem with spyware. Everytime she clicked the OK button it would just pop up again.

Through my laughter, I explained that she could not down load anything to her computer because the network would not allow it, and what she was seeing was an advertisement for SpyWare. She thanked me and I told my twin about it and we had a good laugh.

HEY! Everyday can't be funny. You gotta go with what humor you can find.

As an additional FYI. I will be gone this weekend, and unable to blog. So Bloody Mary has graciously agreed to blog my entries for me because I can't figure out how to schedule these for specific days. Isn't she the best!

Posted by Rick at 09:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

You can no longer call them “the homeless”. They are persons who find themselves without a permanent address.

You can no longer call them “the poor” for they are individuals who are suffering a personal economic downturn

You may not call them the elderly or aged for they are citizens of advanced years.

You may not call them “disabled” for they are differently abled.

The terms “retarded” and “mentally handicapped” are no longer acceptable. They are cognitively challenged.

They are no longer “customers” but partners in building a life towards self-sufficency

This list was actually distributed at work today…

Posted by Rick at 07:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

So I spent yesterday tormenting Drag Queens because they deserved it for being evil and cheating. Yes I am talking to you Empress and to you JessicaDimon! Then I spent the morning rubbing it in to the spider monkey’s that they sent to attack me. I left way early for work, and got to work in time to see my boss. Then I sat through hours of a boring meeting, to get out early and wait, and wait and wait for someone who said they would meet me after work, to drive home in 110 degree temperatures, stopping to pay $4.15 for gas, driving home an hour and a half late to pull in my driveway and get out of my truck so that my pants could fall down around my knees…

I blame it all on the drag queens for they are evil and have powers.

Posted by Rick at 08:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Laura called me today to find out why I was depressed. She was so much more understanding than JP or even Eric(FarmTroll). JP for some reason believes that emotions can be changed by a mere thought. If you think you are happy you are happy. I wish I was that mentally advanced to accomplish such a feat. Eric ala FarmSkank seems to think that I am whining about something when I really wasn’t. I was stating a fact of my emotional state. Can’t change it, it is just going to have to run its course.

Of course Laura wanted to know why I was depressed and I had to explain that I wasn’t there yet, just on the edge. So while we were talking Duane called her, she went ménage-a-trois and they decided to cheer me up. And they accomplished what they set out to do! Way to go guys! You are great friends.

While we were on the phone together, we discussed Duane’s reason d’etre of late. No, not blow jobs in the mens’ rooms, Drag Queens. We went to RuPaul’s site and started voting for his friends and as he told stories of the evil Drag Queens, we would make snarky comments to them. It was good fun. DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR MISS GINGER SEXTON

So, yeah, I am feeling better. Thanks for asking. And for those keeping track. That was 2 french phrases in the blog entry.

Posted by Rick at 08:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I am in a weird mood and I am not sure why. It is like I am on the edge of depression and the next conversation is going to push me over the edge. I hate feeling like this. Nothing is pulling me out of this funk.

I just want it to end.

I know it has been building for a week. But what made it come to a head today?

It could have been the rude mid-coital interruption as the Gnome Child screamed at her brother to give her the Reese’s Pieces.

Or it could have been the mid-coital interruption from my mother needing laundry detergent.

Or it could have been the mid-coital interruption from my niece rudely banging on my door.

Or it could have been that it truly does take only 4 minutes to save the world if it involves JP being worried about being interrupted again…(Sorry for the pop culture reference, but it is my new code word for the dirty deed, you know “JP, you have 4 minutes to save the world, so get busy”)

Or it could be that I am the designated driver for someone who didn’t even invite me to the party. (How rude is that?)

Or it could just be my time of the month.

Midol anyone?

BTW, Laura has her GloFish Cam up and running. Go Check it out!

Posted by Rick at 11:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

LOL @ "How's a Nigga gonna borrow a fry" Nigga, puhleeze.

Posted by Rick at 09:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I have a real problem with people who go to the bathroom and do not wash their hands after going to the bathroom. It is right up there with people who want to carry on an inane conversation about the weather while standing at a urinal on my list of pet peeves. Seriously guys, if you want to talk to me, come see me somewhere outside the bathroom. Hell, I won’t even talk to the guy I am sleeping with while going to the bathroom, why do you think I want to know about some baseball score from you? I can read it on the web. LEAVE ME ALONE AND WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!

I know it sounds weird that a man who would perform oral sex on another man would have a problem with someone not washing their hands but I never said the rules of living with me are simple.

Now that you know the pet peeve, you also need to know is that when I am in the bathroom with other men, I will go to the sink and make sure that I make an extra show of washing my hands. Lathering up my palms and scrubbing my fingers. I make sure that the other guys see me washing my hands in the hopes that they will follow my example. I am not always successful.

Recently, during one of my trips to the bathroom, I noticed that a co-worker had not washed his hands. This sent me over the deep end, and I started texting my buddy Sal telling him about the experience. The responses were:

EWWWWW!

That is gross

You have got to say something to him

To which I responded “What do you want me to tell him? I play with old man dick every day, I don’t want to play with yours by proxy?”

He found no humor in it. Nor did he find humor in it when I pointed to the co-workers coffee cup and had his supervisor pick it up. The supervisor then handed Sal some papers. So I text messaged him that he was touching the co-worker’s penis by proxy. I believe he called me an asshole for that one.

Fast forward to today when the co-worker once again did not wash his hands after going to the bathroom and before lunch. Ewww! We were having Mexican food and that meant we would have to share chips and salsa. Now this truly was going to affect me. I could have called Sal to take care of it, but he is a bit passive, and doesn’t like confrontation unless it is with me. So I had to think of a tactful way to bring it up.

So on the way to lunch, I brought up the subject of health in our office to my boss. I related that during cold and flu season some offices would put out the anti-bacterial gel and how I had noticed that some guys don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. I made sure my co-worker was within ear shot when I suggested that we have signs up in the bathroom to remind staff to wash their hands or to play that old song “wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Wash your hands after changing baby too…” over a speaker in the bathroom. I said that we need to have a supply of anti-bacterial cleaner on hand and that staff need to know that they need to use soap and wash their hands long enough to sing “Happy Birthday” twice through.

The co-worker looked at me kind of funny and excused himself to go to the bathroom. When he came out he was drying his hands with a paper towel. Mission Accomplished. I was very proud of myself.

Unless of course he had peed on the towel first.

Can I get my own chips and salsa please?

Posted by Rick at 11:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I have had an incredible day, but it has been long and the family returns for 24 hours starting tomorrow so I claiming this as one of my two fluff days...

This is fake, but cute:

Posted by Rick at 08:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Don’t you hate it when you have a whole day off from work where you don’t really have to do anything and you wake up at the same time anyway?

Ugh! I hate that. Thankfully that didn’t happen to me today. I slept in! Till 7 a.m.! But it didn’t seem to bother JP who slept in till noon. So while I waited for him to wake up, I read some emails. I can’t believe that from the time I left last night to the next morning there were already 73 new emails. That is just crazy.

With JP awake from my many accidental bed kicks, it was decided that we could do one of two things. We could lay in bed all day or we could go see a movie. I figured that laying bed meant him sleeping and me doing work. So I chose Movie Day!

We went to see Indian Jones and the Last Search for the Lost Crystal Ark of Doom Kingdom or the alternative title Shia LaBeouf Crotch Shots. While I am not a big fan of Shia’s, there still seemed to be an abundant number of times that emphasis was placed on this crotch. There was the scorpion scene and the “too many to count” the branches hit him the crotch scene. It just seemed strange and out of place. Not that I am complaining. While we never get to see his underwear, if they go on sale on Ebay, I am so going to buy them for the Twin. Scorpion Venom and Grass stains included. I hope he got some skid marks.

Speaking of the twin, she is beating a dead horse errr… Petey. Daily she sends me a text or picture mail or a comment about Petey still being dead.  She did it today in the middle of the movie. HIGH LAR EE US! Keep ‘em comin’ Sis.

Anyway, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is actually going to be my favorite Indy film. It borrows parts from previous movies and meshes them with a new story line setting up for future films with Shia at the helm. Very nicely done. Somewhat predictable, but it needed to be done to bring the two stars together.

Stop reading here if you are going to see the movie, there are spoilers ahead.

For those that are curious:

• Shia is Henry Jones III
• There are aliens
• There is a crazy bitch
• There are insects galore
• There is a snake
• There are natives
• It’s Russians this time not Nazi’s
• There is an Atomic Bomb
• Indy gets married

All in all a fun time to be had by all. Go see the movie!

And Laura, I will be waiting for your afternoon text/pic mail/comment so that I may have yet another day of misery knowing that Petey is still dead and the freaking angels did nothing to stop it.

Posted by Rick at 09:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The first picture was of him sitting on a picnic bench looking as handsome as ever, grinning ear to ear knowing how damn good looking he is. It was just his face in the picture. The other picture was of something he is even more proud of much lower than his face. It was this picture that I cut and pasted to his forehead.

I then put a bubble out of the side of his mouth that said “I am the One True Dickhead”. I found this to be good therapy and posted it to my desktop. Later as I cooled off, I took the picture down and replaced it with a very cute picture of him peaking out over the shower door at the cabin. This was a mistake. I should have replaced it with the original picture that I had of him there.

While I was cooling down I went to look at Yahoo Widgets and they had this cool one that puts balls on your desk top. Virtual rubber ones that you bounce around your screen. Okay they are not cool, they are stupid, but hey it is a new toy. Soon I will get bored with it. The neat thing about it is that you can put pictures on the ball. So what better picture to put on a ball you want to slap around but that piece of anatomy that JP would kill me if he knew I told you that I took pictures of it.

So I put his penis on the ball and slap it around and try to make it land on different parts of the background picture. My favorite is to make it land on the very top of his head. But I digress, this is about JP one upping my passive aggressive art work.

So JP comes home, and he says “Hey! You have been messing with my computer!” See what is mine is his and what is his is his. And he wants to know why I changed the picture and then he looks at it and sees the penis in the wrong place, and laughs. Then he sees the picture on my desktop titled “DickHead” and what gay man can resist it. He found the picture that I had Photo shopped. He laughed at it and told me that I would pay for it. And I did. Or thought I did.

When I called him last night, he said he had not forgotten about the picture and he wasn’t done. I hope he likes slapping around the penis ball as much as I do. Hopefully my punishment isn’t much worse than that. Either way, I hope it is fun.

Posted by Rick at 08:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

If you visited my blog for about a 6 hour period, all you got was a blank page.

Entirely my fault. I apologize for the down time. It will teach me to steal a fluff piece from Yahoo!

Thank you to my technical support who I know is already working on it.

Posted by Rick at 04:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

5 Songs on my phone that prove I am gay

·         Barbie Girl – Aqua

·         Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

·         Any Dream Will Do – Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat

·         The entire cast album of the play “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (2 CD’s)

·         It’s Raining Men – Weather Girls

5 Songs that tell you that I don’t care what people think

·         Don’tcha – Pussy Cat Dolls

·         Bye Bye Bye – N’Sync

·         I Believe I Can Fly – R. Kelly

·         Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani

·         Home – Westlife

5 Songs that make you think I am insane

·         Live Like You are Dying – Tim McGraw

·         All the Small Things – Blink 182

·         Cotton Eyed Joe – Rednex

·         I Want to Love You - Konvict

·         Pinch Me – Bare Naked Ladies

And still there are hundreds of others. I wonder what the songs you collect say about you.

Posted by Rick at 07:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

How To Build A Mentos And Diet Coke Booby Trap

On Laura

Posted by Rick at 07:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

There is a special connection between me and my Twin. I can feel her pain and she can laugh at mine. I feel her now, laughing so hard at my last post, that her sides are aching. I also know that she is laughing at me because she continues to send me picture mails and text messages telling me that Petey is still dead.

This is the problem with a blog. The really good ones share a part of the writer’s life. Then along comes someone filled with 99.99% pure evil and it makes people think twice about sharing their life experiences with the reader. They give a little bit a joy and happiness, only to have it taken away by mean and vicious people.

For example, I was going to tell you all about the time I was the Hutchinson County, Texas Pre-Teen Square Dance Champion of 1976. But OH HELL NO!, that ain’t gonna happen now. I would never live that one down.

Posted by Rick at 09:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

My honor has been called into question because of yesterday’s post. Supposedly, I cheated because I posted a conversation as a blog entry. However, I was never made aware of the rule that conversations were not to be posted, as I was not made aware that text messages WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE (mostly by me) was fair game.

So as I sit here wondering what to write about, I think about how much I truly love my new phone. I have been adding music to it all day long. Anything from Nelly to Akon to Nelly Furtado to Madonna to Tim McGraw and Kelly Clarkson. Yes, my tastes are eclectic. The only song I will not put on my phone is Testify to Love by Wynona Judd and not for the reasons you think.

Wynona Judd, to give her props, does have talent; however that talent is not music and acting. However, there is one bright spot in her career. There used to be a TV series called Touched by an Angel. Each week angels came to earth to do something with someone before someone died. It stared Roma Downey and Della Reese with Thomas Dye as the Angel of Death. It was pretty much the same, be good to people and you will get in heaven. Be bad and you will die.

Wynona appeared in the 100^th episode, titled Psalm 151. In it Wynona is an advertising jingle writer and  has a son named Petey who has some disease of the week and is dying. Petey’s best friend is a crazed Celine Dion fan and takes Petey to a concert where Celine sings a song for them and then Petey gets real sick. I am not sure if this is a commentary on Celine Dion or a plot twist. But while Petey is in the hospital Wynona realizes that Petey is going to die, and while snooping cleaning his room she finds a list of things that he must do before he dies. One of them is to get his mother to finish writing a song she has been working on; Psalm 151 also titled Testify to Love. In the end, the angels reveal themselves to Wynona and ask her to please let her son go in peace by finishing the song. She does so and gets a chorus to come over the house and sing the song as Petey dies on the front porch because it was the last thing on his list.

Okay.

1. It is a stupid show.

2. It touched me. Yes, I was touched by Touched by an Angel.

3. As corny as it is, I will start bawling my eyes out just by hearing the song. Actually, even typing this my eyes are tearing up.

4. JP uses this against me. From time to time, he will look over to me and say very quietly, “Petey died” which will send me into tears. I can’t watch “Touched by an Angel”. I can’t hear the song. I can’t even think of Wynona. And it is fucked up.

Once at the cabin that very episode came on and I was glued to the TV for an hour with tears rolling down my eyes. I know it is stupid. But I just can’t help myself. The fucking producers made me like the kid so much, that I can’t get it out of my head.

However, I have learned that I can cry on cue, just by thinking about it. Now that is a handy talent to have.

Posted by Rick at 10:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

If they would have had my "I am Jesus' Favorite" button, this would never have happened. They should have stuck the Jesus Fish on the window where he could see it.

Posted by Rick at 10:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Posted by Rick at 11:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Sometimes, the solutions to life’s problems are right there in front of you.

I had a Vista update to my computer today, and decided to include a couple of other updates at the same time. After the computer rebooted, I was having trouble typing, the mouse would not work and I couldn’t get to some of my websites. When typing, every other letter would not appear and it was getting frustrating. I would be typing and all that would appear is gibberish. This was different than the normal gibberish that usually comes from my mind. This made for a difficult time in entering passwords because I wasn’t sure if the capitals were typing or if they were lower case. I kept getting password errors.

Damn keyboard! I was punching the keys extra hard because everyone knows, if you hit the keys harder, they will work better. I tried everything to reset the keyboard and mouse. I really didn’t want to run out and buy a new keyboard and mouse so I started looking for other solutions.

I did the most logical thing. I reverted back to an earlier time before the updates in hopes that I could solve the problem. It just seemed logical to me. The problem started when I had rebooted so it must have been the update.

After reverting back, the problem persisted. I started thinking about going to the all night Wal-Mart and picking up a new keyboard and mouse. I decided to look at the tower itself, and there in front of me, as obvious as a giant zit on the end of your nose, was the problem. The keyboard cord had come loose.

I now have mixed emotions. I am happy that I figured it out, but pissed that I didn’t look for the simplest solution first.

Posted by Rick at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

I have been in a pissy mood all day. My reasons for being mad are valid and every time I think about them, it just makes me angry and I want to lash out. I have been having an Amy Fisher day. One where I want to shoot Joey Buttafucco’s privates off.

That is until my exuberant and delightful twin called. She caught me coming out of Walgreens. I explained my reasons for being pissed, and she dared to interject logic into the argument. God I hate that. How dare she explain things logically and then make me take responsibility for my own life. UGH!

I asked her to please let me have my moment of self pity and she would have none of it. Slapped me around and we moved on to talk about her fish…

God I love her.

Posted by Rick at 09:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

During a break in a recent meeting, Sam asked me if I had seen a box that belonged to her friend Dixie. I said let’s go look for it. We started opening closets throughout the building looking high and low to no avail.

Then I had the bright idea that it might be in the closet that leads to the outside of the building. When I opened the door, there was the stench of wet dog, or like that of a person who only bathes on Friday and today is Thursday. This did not surprise me. What surprised me was the sort of Grunt Growl, a Gruntowl if you will, that came from behind some boxes. I quickly closed the door and thought of what sort of animal could make that sort of sound. Was it a sick dog? Had a homeless person moved in? I called Sam over and opened the door again and there it was again. Scared that a sick animal might run into the room and attack the others, I quickly closed the door and sent for the maintenance man.

He arrived shortly after and went into the room and proceeded to empty it of its content outside via the back door. A good time later, he came back in and asked me to follow him into the now empty room. I asked him if he had found anything and he said wait a minute and to be quiet. There was the Gruntowl again. And he asked if that was sound I heard. I confirmed that it was, and he pointed to the windowed ledge along the ceiling edge and a medium sized grey chicken.

“What is a chicken doing up there”, I asked. “It’s not a chicken”, he replied, “It’s a big fucking pigeon”.

As I stared at the Giant pigeon with a thyroid problem and possibly emphysema, I could swear the fucker grinned at me with a full set of teeth, just before it gruntowled at me again.

And why the picture? It just reminded me of another WTF moment that happened today. So I decided to post a picture of my younger days when I was working the red light district of Amsterdam.

Posted by Rick at 07:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Posted by Rick at 08:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

It is only day three and I am already struggling for content. I could take the easy way out and do like my twin and post all my text messages, but that would be CHEATING! And besides, after I take out all of Sal’s texts, there is only Duhv and Laura’s texts left and she already posted the funny ones.

I could talk about work, but then we would both fall asleep.

I could talk about how I endeavored to give my visiting family a wonderful dinner of barbeque beef, beans and corn bread but that mom let the beans burn, so I had to rescue the meal and it didn’t work out. I kept saying loudly to mom “You did a great job on these beans mom, they have the right amount of smokiness to them.” They ate the beans, so I guess it worked.

I could talk about my temperamental bitch of a truck, which will only fail to drive when I am behind the wheel and doesn’t do anything wrong when I take it to the mechanic. Pisses me off when he holds the truck for two days and then calls to say “Rick, I ran the truck for two hours and it didn’t have any problems”, but I stop at a light and the freakin’ thing dies on me.

I have determined that the visiting family members are vegetables. I leave for work and they are sitting on the couch. I come home at lunch to pick up the wallet I forgot and they are still there. I come home from work and they are still there. It is scary. One thing that my mother always taught me is that if you are visiting someone, you need to make sure to at least offer to clean up after yourself. I am going to have to take a day off from work just to clean up after them.

We could talk about the gnome child who suddenly is my best friend. Only problem is that she now wants to scream my name every time she says it. “RICK! Can I have some ice cream?”, “RICK! Why is the cat scared of me?”.

She heard the Ice Cream truck come by, and she ran on her chubby little gnome legs, and all I could say was Run Forrest Run! Only little Lloyd laughed. When she didn’t catch the Ice Cream man whom I think was really just trying to give the kid exercise by pulling away just fast enough so she couldn’t catch up, she started to scream at the top of her lungs. I had to laugh at the little chubby girl who cried because the ice cream man would not stop. It was so surreal. I can’t make this shit up.

When I went to clean the kitchen after they had all had their fill, she came in to sit at the table and discuss the days events. When I say discuss it was more like “RICK! I jumped on your trampoline today!” “RICK! My mom says that when we go to California we can go to the beach”, “RICK! That other grandma is mean!” To which I replied “That’s nice”, “That’s nice”, “That’s my mom”.

It got a little annoying after a bit, so I thought it was time to mess with her again and asked her if she had seen my cat, Razzy. Razzy is not a social animal. She loves my mom, tolerates me and JP and doesn’t really notice other people unless they sit on her couch. This pisses her off and she will pout and run to dad’s bathtub to hide. I knew where she was, but it was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. “Kathy, have you seen my cat?”

“RICK! Mean Grandma says your cat hates everyone and I should leave her alone. Is that true”

“Yes, you should. But have you seen her today?”

“RICK! She was in Other Grandpa’s room today!”

I act like I look into his room. “I don’t see her Kathy. Are you sure you didn’t eat her? “

Extended Silence. And then the sound of her little fat feet running across the tile to the living room. “MOM! He said I ate his cat!”

My life is so complete. This little girl is going to have so much mental trauma if she hangs around me for too long. Thankfully they leave tomorrow, return for a couple of days, and it will all be over in about a week.

Two things that concern me. First, they are going to Palm Springs. I hope they realize that just because there is sand there, doesn’t mean there is a beach. It is 2 hours away from the beach. Second, the little gnome girl says that they only bathe on Fridays. Ewwww, I think I am going to have to fumigate my furniture when this is all over.

Posted by Rick at 11:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

They’re Heeeeeeeeere!

I am scared.

Really scared.

I have family in town. And they are scary. There are 5 of them. One of them is about 3 foot tall and 3 foot round, and she hides in the bathroom. I thought for a moment she was a gnome come to steal my hard won Shia LeBeouf Transformer underroos, but as luck would have it she is only a second cousin.

So to begin at the beginning. Mom told me my Aunt and Uncle were coming out, because Dad is feeling his age and wants to see his brothers and sisters before they die. I don’t have a problem with that. It is actually a pretty darn good plan. Tell them you love them, tell them good bye and then when they die you don’t feel so bad about it when they kick the bucket. While it is a good idea in theory, there are the particulars that concern me.

The problem is that I haven’t seen these people since I was 5 years old. That was 35 years ago. I share a birthday with one of their sons and they can’t even remember that I am alive for over a third of a century? Another problem is that I do remember some of the conversations that leaked back to my parents about me being adopted and not a real member of the family. Young wounds scar the deepest.

So they show up. I was playing a video game and checking out my twin’s website for updates on the fish cam, when they came in. I let them scream and yell for about 30 minutes before I roused myself from my man cave. I waved hello and then promptly went to the kitchen to fix dinner. I did a pork loin with some vegetables in the slow cooker. I also did two chickens with a blueberry, balsamic, honey, rosemary, thyme and sage glaze in the roasting pan. I did mashed potatoes and gravy. Homemade buttermilk biscuits. Before I could turn around and get some pictures of this feast, they were in the kitchen helping themselves to the food.

So much for trying out my hillbilly yell. See while I am not welcoming them with open arms, no one should enter my  home and feel unwelcome. And this branch of the family grew up in the Ozarks. This is almost a hillbilly as they come. I am not making fun of them, because I will be the first to tell you that I come from hillbilly stock. And I even find myself slipping into their patterns of speech. I notice this most with my uncle. He has a thick Midwestern accent, while my Aunt has a more cultured accent.

So while everyone sits around eating and catching up on 35 years of stories. I wonder how I fit in this group and decide that it is better that I sit on the sidelines and make observations.

There is Lori, the daughter, by whom we gauge the last time we saw each other. She was in her mother’s womb the last time the family got together. It is her daughter Kathy whom I had at first mistaken for and underwear stealing gnome. I thought at first that the child was retarded until I met the mother and realized that the slowness was genetic. She has said but 5 words to me and they all have dealt with food. Good Food, Whatcha makin’ Rick.

There is Clara Jo, my Aunt. I remember her as being a nice pudgy woman who baked all the time. Now she is so old that it is difficult for her to stand for long. She is still pretty nice, but seems louder than I remember.

Then there is little Lloyd. And by god if there was ever a misnomer it was this one. He is a 15 year old farmboy. 6 foot 6 and about 250lbs all of it muscle. He is big. He reminds me of when puppy starts growing but his feet are still too big for his body. He has all the right parts, they just don’t move where he wants them. This is how I view Little Lloyd. He stands hunched over, eyes down, arms folded as if he was afraid to move.

And then there is Uncle Lloyd. He is not as large as I remember him. A thin gaunt man, he reminds me of my grandfather in many ways.

None of them have engaged me in conversation, which is fine with me. I prefer to move about being ignored. Like a stranger in my own home.

Except for the gnome. She watches me. From around the corner, the couch or most likely the bathroom. She doesn’t say anything, just watches. She engages other people, but not me. So when I get close enough to her to whisper to her, I try to say inappropriate things to her. Like when she was in the bathroom hiding, I told her that if she didn’t come out, the water bugs would come out of the drain and crawl in her ear. Or when she was in the kitchen, I gave her some cherry kool-aid and I told her it was watered down blood from the spider monkey that used to live in her room. She was dragging out her travel bag and I told her that it looked big enough to hold her body if someone wanted to steal her away. That was the one that sent her running for grandpa. Thankfully he is deaf and can’t hear what she is saying.

So it doesn’t look like it is a bad visit after all. They brought me a child to torment. Life is good.

Posted by Rick at 09:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Now, as everyone should know by now, I am not a fan of drag queens. I have said it before and I will say it again (because it bears repeating and sounds profound in the Gargs Universe), Drag Queens are no better than clowns and mimes in my book. They hide who they really are behind a ton of makeup and give half a chance will come up through your shower drain and eat you.

But when it comes to my friends, I try my best to help them out when I can and Duhv needs all the help he can get. I have voted every day for his Drag Queen Diva, GingerSext (Whose name I still don’t get after weeks of trying) on the RuPaul Site. So imagine my surprise when Miss GingerTits moved from 3^rd to 4^th. She was knocked off by someone who hadn’t been in the top 5. Being the nice person I am I went to check this new comer out.

Now I am not one to cause controversy, and Sweet 8lb 9oz Baby Jesus knows that I am the last one to point out when someone else is wrong, but could someone please tell me how the Empress can have 4000 page views and 8000 votes? Hmmm, smells like someone forgot the Summer’s Eve because this train wreck in the making just got fishy…

Posted by Rick at 06:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)